When you are around people, do you ever think you KNOW what that person is thinking, or that you know what that person thinks about you? Do you have thoughts in your head of things these people say about you? You feel judged. You feel like there aren't many people around you who you can absolutely trust. You KNOW what they think and you know what they say, but you have to grin and bear it.
I feel like this... All the time. I know I can trust my mom and my husband. But there are others who I know, when mad at me, have said really hurtful, really...hateful things, to other people. I had a "friend" who ruined my reputation when I was pregnant. And even though she may have set the record straight, there are those who still think about the awful things she said and believe them. There is a family member whom was mad at my mother and I and went and said awful vicious things. Things that... a family member shouldn't say no matter how mad they are.. I was mad, I didn't say things I could have. These people put your deepest secrets, your most vulnerable moments... on display. You can't go back from there. Things like this are why I don't like to go out in public much. I feel self conscious, like people "know" things about me, that were portrayed in awful lighting for the world to see. I have made amends but my heart remembers, my brain remembers, so its always in the back of my mind "if I tell them this, next time they are mad at me are they going to tell the world again?" You can't get that trust back.
Sorry world, this is something that was on my mind tonight. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't always like myself, I hate what I see in the mirror. But I wish I could turn my brain off for one night and just...be.
Goodnight world.
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